Finding your worth in a state of vulnerability


Throughout my relationships with other people and with myself, I can say I've made my fair share of mistakes, most of which had only occured within the past three years. And while everything I've done, I wanted to do at the time I had done them, these decisions that turned out to be mistakes came with irreversible repercussions - a lot of which I still deal with to present day. While I choose to look at these realised mistakes as lessons and a contributing factor to the person I am today, it is with no denying that our mistakes in life - big and small - can often take us to the pits of despair and force us down on our knees; but if there's one thing I have learned from picking myself up from rock bottom each time, it is this: More often than not, our mistakes are the very making of us. If, we allow them to be. 

I have come to realise that although it is not impossible to recover, dwelling on your mistakes is a process that can inevitably put you in a vulnerable place - a place where all of your energy is poured onto damning yourself from time to time, letting people have an upper-hand over your emotions and crying out all your anxiety as if that is all you are capable of doing in (poor) attempt to turn things around.. Once you recongnise you are making yourself vulnerable in any situation, you can almost expect for certain the chance of getting hurt. In fact, it's almost guaranteed - being that vulnerable makes the smallest prick feel like a stab wound. Sometimes exposing your vulnerability without any kind of filter can make you more human, but at the same time, it can also provide material that can be used against you. One can argue that maybe that is love - being so vulnerable and allowing someone else in so far they could hurt you.. All of these and more, are gateway to a serious harm to your self-worth. But again, this is all so, if you allow them to be.

I speak to the women who hold on to relationships that no longer benefit from the sweet fruits of exposed vulnerability; the girls who know in the back of their minds that they are voluntarily leaving themselves in situations that brings more tears than happiness, but ignore it anyway because they don't want to lose a man: as if it's all that matters. 

Don't be that girl who gets so used to blaming herself for all the things that are going wrong, allowing a man to mistreat her in turn but "it's okay" because "it's your fault". Don't be that girl he can undervalue in ways you thought he never could, or in any way at all, and naturally react with "maybe he's right, I'm no good.." Don't be that girl whose efforts he can take for granted, and deal with it by reassuring yourself that "I choose to do this, I know what I'm doing, it's fine". Beucase you didn't want to lose him, you lost yourself in the process: Don't be that girl. 

If by an unfortunate chance I am writing this post too late and you are that girl, you need to understand that no guy is worth losing yourself for. No guy is worth suffering for at the expense of your happiness and sanity. No guy is worth tormenting yourself over for the sake of having yourself proven right for him. 

At this point, perhaps losing him is the only way you'd be able to get yourself back. If you start to feel as though he has forgotten to see the beauty in you amidst your previous poor choices, it may be good to consider to take time out and think things through for yourself. As much as you wouldn't want this to be true, you'll soon realise that he may be the reason you've lost control of yourself for so long, and the only thing that's in your way of finding yourself again. 

Let it go. 
Letting it go doesn't mean you have to stop caring about him. It doesn't mean you have to forget that he ever existed, and that his very existence was once the ultimate reason you swore you were the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. It doesn't mean you have to force yourself to hate him and every little thing that reminds you of him. It doesn't mean you disregard and dispose all the right values he has taught you and the great memories he has shared with you. 

What it means is, you need to take some time to reevaluate yourself and the situation: What am I  really doing wrong?  

It's one thing to recognise and own up to your mistakes - it's another to let yourself be defined by others because of it.

I understand that after being with a guy as long as you have, his words mean everything something. At the thoughts of letting go, you're unsure of how to go through every passing day without him being there. You're afraid that you won't be able to do it all on your own because you've depended on him for so long. And when you finally take the first baby step, you're still anxious you're only capable of making wrong choices because he was always there to hold your hand. He might have hurt you, unintentionally and "for your own sake", yet you still feel safe and secure with him. He might have disappointed you on many occassions, but the expectations you have for him won't go away. You've considered leaving, but your good heart won't let you go through with it. You've contemplated on giving up, but you always find a reason not to. You've thought about moving on, but you're too stubborn to believe this is how things are moulding out to be. 

You've gotten so familiar with him that you can't help but feel like you still belong with each other.
You've gotten so comfortable with him that you can't help but come up with any excuse to make yourself available to him. 
You've gotten so used to being his woman that you can't help wanting to make him a part of every aspect of your life. 
You've been attached to him for so long that you can't help but allow his every action to affect you.
You've been through so much with him that you can't help but fall back into old habits with him.
Maybe, you've loved him so much that in a state of absolute vulnerability, you let him love the power he has over you, more than you.

You owe yourself enough to not allow that.

I'm not asking you to let him go if doing so would only be yet another mistake. I'm not asking you to feel bitter towards him. I'm not asking you to replace him, not right away, not because you can, but until it feels right and you are ready. What I'm asking, is for you to take full control and responsibility of yourself - your wrongs and rights - and take full credit of it. What I'm asking, is for you to not let anyone block you from rising up from your sorrows. What I'm asking, is for you to rediscover the love you used to have plenty of for yourself. What I'm asking, is for you to not let the same thing hurt you twice. What I'm asking, is for you to forgive where forgiveness is due so that you can find peace within yourself. If you feel that you can't do any of those things while keeping your ties, cut it off. It's the most freeing feeling when you realise you owe nobody anything and that your happiness always comes first.

We may not be able to change the past, but you sure can change your future. & it starts today.

Let yourself heal. Even if that means doing it on your own.



*Pretty Little Thinglace cross strap bralet

This post is kindly sponsored by Pretty Little Thing.

PHOTO CREDITS: @ayeshabeans

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